The Light Between Oceans (2016) Movie Review / 100th post!

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[29]
If I could sum up this movie in one word, it’d be “mesmerizing”

The Light Between Oceans is the film adaptation of the 2012 M. L. Stedman novel and tells the story of Tom & Isobel, portrayed by Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander respectively, a lovely couple who live in virtual isolation on a small island complete with a lighthouse, occasional visits for sustenance, and a whole lot of rain & wind. When a baby washes ashore, they are faced with the prospect of raising this child and the consequences that may incur.

I was able to catch an advanced screening of this film last Wednesday (the 24th) and have not been able to speak about it until now. I have not been able to get this movie out of my head… I think The Light Between Oceans may just be my favourite film of the year. There are many examples of film where the style overtakes the substance and you’re left with a great looking surface-level movie that is a hollow shell of a picture. TLBO is one of those rare masterpieces (I’m going there!) where the beauty of every shot is not the only thing the film has to offer. The story is so enthralling and downright heartbreaking at times; I honestly could not control all the emotions coming out of me. There are instances where you will find yourself giggling and audibly “aw!”ing one minute, then busting out your ugly Tobey Maguire crying face the next.

The combination of a fantastic script, phenomenal locations, brilliant directing by Derek Cianfrance, who helmed Place Beyond the Pines and everyone’s favourite Valentine’s Day movie Blue Valentine, and the addition of incredibly fleshed out, well-developed characters is one of the best surprises I have ever had in the theatre. The film is an epic moving journey with a complete beginning, middle & end and you may find yourself attached to the characters moreso than you imagined going in.

Now for the two standouts in this incredibly beautiful film, Michael Fassbender & Alicia Vikander. Holy dickens these two were outstanding and I am just happy I was able to watch a film with two of my current favourite working actors… Just look up the word “amazing” in the thesaurus and all those terms pertain to both of them. Fassbender portrays the quiet and brooding yet unbelievably strong figure torn between the hardest of rocks & places brilliantly and Alicia Vikander… I swear this woman can honestly do no wrong. Her portrayal of Isobel is so phenomenal that I’m not able to place it in words. Every feeling she emotes, every movement she does is quite honestly, flawless. She is able to encapsulate the immense fears and fantastical joys her character has and THAT is called motherfucking acting, man. I cannot compliment her enough on this role; she nailed everything about her character just as well as Ellen Burstyn did in Requiem for a Dream. That is how incredible this woman is… And the chemistry these two leads have? Fuggetaboutit, dude. There’s a reason they are together in real life. If they didn’t fall in love during filming this then their acting is greater than I can comprehend. The spellbinding Rachel Weisz owns her portrayal of Hannah immensely and manages to emote all the subtle nuances that consist of her character. This movie has an Oscar-calibre cast and they live up to it, let me tell you.

Can I also just say something about the aesthetic of The Light Between Oceans? Every single frame of this movie can serve as a disgustingly beautiful screen saver. Cianfrance knows how to frame shots and when to use those uncomfortably close close-ups that encourage his actor to utilize the subtleties of the human face to illustrate what they are feeling at that moment without saying one piece of dialogue. He manages to showcase this grandiose landscape to feel larger than life at one point, then turns around and makes it feel like the most miniscule point in the world. He does that to your emotions as well.

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If I sit here… If I just sit here

I can see why some would feel a little turned off by the romantic aspect to it; however it is so much more than a simple man-meets-woman-and-they-fall-in-love-because-like-cancer-or-something-will-kill-someone type thing. It honestly surprised me how a little bit of mystery and intrigue were thrown in there, a sprinkle of war-time themes for taste and a heavy dash of fantastic storytelling engulfed The Light Between Oceans and you were left with a delicious picture you want to consume all over again… Although I probably will need to wait awhile to watch it again. Maybe like for Saturday or something.


If you’re looking for a romantic epic with characters you will feel emotionally connected to and love giving your eyes the occasional feast to… feast on, check out The Light Between Oceans. It is one of my favourites of the year and Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander are allowed to come over for dinner anytime.
(clothing is optional, of course)

The Light Between Oceans receives a coveted 5/5 Matt Damon heads.

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s/o to scene creek & gofobo for the advanced screening tickets!
image links: indiewire, youtube trailer [1][2] & [3]… Also googling “tobey maguire crying face gif”

knock out street fighter gif perfect

Don’t Breathe (2016) Movie Review

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[28]
Stephen Lang made me feel like I was doing wrong by just watching this shit occur.

Don’t Breathe tells the story of a group of young hooligans who like robbing people’s homes. Dylan Minnette, star of the completely-snubbed-for-the-Academy-Award Goosebumps (2015), portrays the character who doesn’t really have a good feeling about thisJane Levy portrays the I have to do this because I gotta get out of my completely fucked up life character. Daniel Zovatto portrays the I gotta do this because cash rules everything around me CREAM. An aspect to Don’t Breathe I truly appreciated was although the main characters are somewhat caricatures we’re used to seeing, they are written and executed in a way that makes you have a genuine care for them. I thought I would become bored of them as the movie progressed since the beginning of the film sets them up so exact as to what kind of character they are, however understanding certain characters’ motives made it for an enjoyable watch since you do want to see them succeed at defeating the antagonist… Which happens to be the blind veteran man they wanted to rob… I love feeling conflicted when watching movies because it makes me think of the ethical repercussions of feeling that way.

Me: How dare they think of bothering that poor helpless man?! They deserve what is coming to them… Ohhhhh wait… I kind of want to see them steal all his money and hurt him but I also don’t…

Now I love me some contained thrillers (see: 10 Cloverfield Lane) and one of my favourite movies this year that I have been raving about to anyone who will listen was Husha horror movie about a man tormenting a woman who is deaf. I also love the Audrey Hepburn classic Wait Until Dark (1967) wherein a group of thugs torment a blind woman for a heroin-stuffed doll. Essentially, I like movies where a character is suffering from an ailment that impairs one of their main senses and it takes place in enclosed spaces and short periods of time…

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There’s No Need to Be Upset

I am happy to say Don’t Breathe has officially fallen into my favourite above mentioned category. This is one tense thrill-ride that starts around twenty or so minutes in and persists until the beginning of the final credits. I watched this in a packed theatre and it was one of the most fun theatre experiences I have ever had, if you are able to watch this in a movie theatre with a bunch of first-time watchers I would highly recommend it. You and your audience will feel an immediate connection because of the way it is filmed, there are occasional bouts of incredibly uncomfortable close-ups and sequences where you are quite literally bracing yourself for what is coming next. There are jump scares however they are executed not shittily!! Hooray for non-shitty jump scares! Let me tell you, there were one or two sequences where the entire audience was absolutely silent for, the sounds of popcorn chewing and Slushie slurping completely ceased because we were all invested as to what is going to happen next.

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The core group portrayed their roles just fine with the particular standouts being Levy, who I found played Rocky incredibly well and holy dickens, guys watch this movie alone for Stephen Lang‘s performance as the Blind Man. In terms of fantastic horror characters of the modern world, Lang absolutely nails it as a disturbingly strong older man whose hair is full of secrets! Minnette really had two emotions throughout the movie which consisted of stoneface & wide-eyes McGee and MILD SPOILER Zovatto’s character ejacultaes on the floor of a house they rob in the beginning of the movie so that says it all about his character and what he had to work with. END SPOILER.

There were a number of incredibly suspenseful moments where I genuinely had no idea what was going to happen next, which is nice to experience in specifically a horror film since the main point of horror is to cause you discomfort & fear and it is kind of difficult to accomplish that if you can call what is going to happen at every turn. I will say, there were a couple obvious guns of Chekhov’s sprinkled throughout and shots that lingered just a wee bit longer than they should have. I did appreciate that they never really deviated from the situation occurring at the house and that various scares actually added on to the progression and execution of the plot rather than simply being there for those BOOMWHUPPAH! moments… And with a runtime of just an hour and a half, the filmmakers managed to create a lovely suspenseful tale that makes me happy I do not rob homes for a living. 


If you’re looking for a horror movie that will make you feel genuinely frightened and also make you say the occasional “what… the… fuck check out Don’t Breathe.

Don’t Breathe receives 4/5 Matt Damon heads.

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Sausage Party (2016) Movie Review

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[27]
As someone who works at a grocery store once a week, I cannot wait to go back after seeing this movie…

Sausage Party is an R-rated animated Seth Rogen joint (heh sorry) directed by Conrad Vernon & Greg Tiernan and tells the story of Frank the Sausage (voiced by Rogen) learning the truth of what occurs to all happy-go-lucky grocery store items when they leave the comfort of their supermarket home and go to the Great Beyond, ie. a human being’s home. Now I will admit, I laughed way more than I expected… Mostly because I was just wondering what the everliving fuck my eyes were witnessing. If you’re looking for some type of subtlety in this comedic romp, you’ve come to the wrong place. They really pound the idea of the ridiculousness of the Great Beyond into the heads of the audience, and that believing in such a thing is silly and wrong. Regardless, I did appreciate that there was some type of substance in this animated movie that SPOILER has a climatic food orgy scene END SPOILER. 

The various food characters were actually fleshed out pretty well and they all have distinct personalities, despite them being walking stereotypes of their real-life counterparts; the Curry Paste hilariously had exaggerated Indian accents and the Salsas were considered illegals. MAKE GROCERY STORES GREAT AGAIN! I thoroughly enjoyed the relationship between Frank & Brenda (voiced by Kristen Wiig) and believed these star-crossed lovers had a history together. There were a ton of secondary characters that were voiced by an array of actors, including Jonah Hill and Sausage George Michael Michael Cera— both voices I immediately recognized, Salma Hayek as a feisty taco, Craig RobinsonPaul RuddBill Hader and Edward Norton played a relatively important role that I didn’t even realize was him until the end credits! There is a Douche character voiced by Nick Kroll that I wasn’t really a fan of toward the beginning, however as the movie progressed I enjoyed him more and more and thought he was a brilliant antagonist. There were MANY moments that had me cracking up, particularly watching the dynamic between various household items and loving how each respective character’s abilities were utilized during an intense climax.

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breakout performance

There were about three or four secondary subplots occurring during the main plot and scenes did flow relatively well together, although there were a couple scenes that dragged on a bit.. Honestly, the animation alone is worth the price of admission. Guys, this is a beautiful looking movie. It sounds ridiculous but I was in awe of what I was watching because it was just so enthralling! I only wish they ventured out to more locations because I wanted to see everything through the lens of this animation. Many cite the overuse of profanity as an issue, however for me personally it wasn’t all that bad. Maybe it’s because I have the mouth of a drunk sailor attending a Tupac concert but I quite enjoyed seeing these items communicate with each other in a way the universe deemed as an everyday interaction. There were also a few references to some of my all-time favourite movies, including Terminator 2 (1991) and In The Heat of the Night (1967), that I thoroughly appreciated.

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If you’re looking for a fun and hilariously inappropriate movie to watch with a bunch of your friends while stone-cold sober or marginally inebriated, check out Sausage Party. You’re guaranteed a couple of laughs, how do I know this? I don’t drink and was sober as a nun while watching and I laughed throughout it. Take that as you will…

Would it have been nice with a few of everyone’s favourites brownies (ie. marijuana)?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe fuck yourself.


Sausage Party receives 4/5 Matt Damon heads.

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gif sources: [1], [2], [3]

Lights Out (2016) Movie Review

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[26]
The Babadook & Insidious had a baby and that lovely baby’s name is Lights Out.

I remember watching & loving director David F. Sandberg‘s short film of the same name a couple years ago and when I first heard it was going to receive the Hollywood full-length adaptation, hesitation immediately washed over me… I am ecstatic to say that hesitation was proven wrong because Lights Out is an incredible movie.

Lights Out tells the story of a dysfunctional family who faces an entity that only appears when the lights go out, as the title would suggest. I don’t wish to delve any deeper than that because I believe horror movies are best to go into relatively blind but I will say, the concept of Lights Out is incredibly intriguing and I was honestly captivated throughout the film. Teresa Palmer and Gabriel Bateman portray siblings and oh man, their acting and chemistry were amazing. Palmer specifically had the most to work with and I thought she did brilliantly: ranging from being a melancholic, cool cat to nailing those severely intense emotional moments that pulled at my heart strings a bit. The relationship between her & her boyfriend Bret (Brad?) played by Alexander DiPersia aka I-Swear-That-Is-Daario-Naharis was refreshing to see because he was not just a dumb dumb boyfriend that is placed there solely for pseudo-conflict for the main character and her family.

When it comes to the actual story & progression of events, I loved every single moment of this movie. Since the runtime is essentially an hour and a half, there is virtually no wasted dialogue which translates to every scene having some level of importance to them, there is incredible development to the characters throughout the movie AND, what is arguably the greatest aspect to it, you genuinely care for these characters and their well being. Why I appreciated this movie so much is because the filmmakers made an effort to flesh out the characters and have themes the audience can potentially relate to, like mental illness and an overwhelming need to protect the innocent. The psychological aspects to it enhanced the movie immensely and I loved the various explanations sprinkled throughout of how the mother’s illness affected her family. There was a history to this family that you felt immediately and wanted to see their story & relationship progress more and more! I wish they expanded a bit more on the mythos of the entity, however I was satisfied with its backstory and how it tied into the relationship with the family.

Now the horror aspect to it… There were a few moments that had the toes curling & hair on the back of the neck stand up. Now I’ve mentioned this before in past reviews that I’m not a huge fan of boomWHUPPAH-type jump scares unless they are done well. There are many instances of such scares in this movie however for me personally, they really worked to enhance the horror aspect to it. It is also a gorgeous looking movie, probably one of the best looking horror films I’ve seen, rivaling that of The Conjuring (2013). This movie is honestly worth watching for the beautiful looking scenes alone, credit due to cinematographer Marc Spicer… There is also a sequence during the final act involving the boyfriend and his brilliant utilization of light that caused me and the audience I was watching with to simply be in awe.

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If you’re a fan of horror done with a story and characters you actually care about and want to feel invested in their world, check out Lights Out.


Lights Out receives 4.5/5 Matt Damon heads.

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Suicide Squad (2016) Movie Review

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[25]
This was probably the greatest music video I’ve ever seen (besides Thriller of course, duh)

One of my favourite quotes from Suicide Squad comes toward the beginning of the movie when the age old question is asked: “What if Superman had decided to fly down, rip off the roof of the White House, and grab the president right out of the Oval Office. Who would’ve stopped him?” Well… The first hero I would think of to get us out of that hypothetical jam would definitely be Captain Boomerang!

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nah, he was funny

Suicide Squad tells the story of Amanda Waller, played by the always brilliant Viola Davis, as she attempts to assemble a team of the biggest and baddest to protect the United States against hypothetical Superman-esque forces. They are the bad guys, everyone. Get that through your heads, they will for sure remind you whenever they can that they are the bad guys. I will start off by saying Margot Robbie‘s portrayal of Harley Quinn has easily been one of my favourite performances in any comic book/superhero movie in recent memory. She is phenomenal, guys and I honestly would not have minded if the whole movie revolved around whatever the hell Harley felt like doing that day. I thought I would grow tired of that accent and ditziness and granted there was a moment, particularly toward the end when the worst line ever was uttered, Robbie somehow managed to keep the character fresh as the movie progressed. Gold Star!

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Yeah it is!

Jared Leto as the Joker… I don’t wish to cast too harsh a judgement on him since he didn’t play that big of a role in the movie, even though he did appear in quite a number of scenes, but for what I witnessed I wasn’t a fan. Not even counting the Romero, Ledger or Nicholson portrayals, the grills he was rocking added nothing to the character save it made it more difficult to understand him but he just didn’t have that kind of domineering presence to him. I was more scared of his bodyguards than him, and when it comes to arguably the greatest comic book villain of all-time, I need to feel sheer terror when he’s on screen. Cara Delevingne is a wonderfully attractive human being but for the love of all that is Matt Damon her acting abilities are virtually non-existent. I cannot wish enough that they got someone with the acting capability of a Margot Robbie to portray Enchantress. Will Smith gives a great performance of a quippy murderous Will Smith. Every other member of the Squad gave passable performances, Jai Courtney absolutely owned his Captain Boomerang character. The standout for me besides Robbie as Harley Quinn was Karen Fukuhara as Katana… She nailed it, dude. I think I felt more for Katana’s character than I did anybody else, and she had maybe 10 lines in the whole movie!

There are some great and not-so-great uses of special effects in Suicide Squad. MILD SPOILERS I loved a particular scene involving Diablo going Full Super Saiyan and some of the scenes with the beginning stages of the Enchantress. END SPOILERS. The effects that had to do with Enchantress toward the end though… oh man, it looked like a bit of a shitstorm. Especially with those overdone-in-film damn blue beams! The soundtrack is also quite enjoyable actually, I foresee myself viewing some of the scenes on YouTube occasionally when I get a hankering for Eminem. The score was way too much though. It was overpowering at times and all I could hear was just LOUUUUUUUUUUUD NOISES!!!

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You’ve probably heard about the editing issues in Suicide Squad… and ho-ly-dickens, my friends the editing is here, there, over there, under where, EVERYWHERE. Off the top of my head I can think of three four instances that immediately took me out of the movie because I thought “what the fuck did they not catch this post? During writing it??”As I mentioned, Cara Dev… is easily the weakest of the bunch and that is truly disappointing because of how important her role is. I actually enjoyed the exposition they gave for the characters since I knew nothing about them and felt like I had an understanding of each member by the end of the film, however you can see just how sloppy the writing really is and I do attribute that to the 6-week period director David Ayer allegedly had to pen the script.

To conclude, good god, DC, please crank up the brightness levels for your next features. Couldn’t see shit!

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If you’re looking for a relatively fun comic-book movie and don’t mind the occasional “wait… what the hell was that?” check out Suicide Squad.

Suicide Squad receives 2.5/5 Matt Damon heads.

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Nostalgia’d Review: Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Welcome to the first installment of Nostalgia’d Reviews!
This week, let’s take a trip over to that cool, happenin’ stereo store at the Ridgemont Mall with Amy Heckerling’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

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“Mister, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna kick 100 percent of your ass!”

Fast Times makes me yearn for a time I wasn’t even alive during. There are many movies that have that affect on me…

Fast Times at Ridgemont High, released in 1982 and stars a handful of young, fresh-faced talents such as Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli, Jennifer Jason Leigh as Stacy Hamilton and Judge Reinhold as her brother Brad, Phoebe Cates as Linda Barrett, Forest Whitaker as Charles Jefferson and wait– NICOLAS CAGE WAS IN THIS?

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credited as Nicolas Coppola

The coming-of-age comedy follows a group of teenagers as they navigate their way through Ridgemont High for a school year, with an emphasis placed on Stacy as she’s torn between Mark “Rat” Ratner (Brian Backer) and his cool-as-a-scalper-cucumber buddy Mike Damone (Robert Romanus aka John Bender’s younger brother). Right off the bat I will say I adored this movie. I have never seen the movie in its entirety and only really knew a couple of things about it, such as how Spicoli is referenced as one of the greatest high school movie characters and that Phoebe Cates scene…

phoebe cates fresh prince

The characters are easily my favourite aspect of the movie. I didn’t really care much for them toward the beginning of the movie (except Brad… He was terrific) however as it progressed, virtually every character you care to care about is developed wonderfully and they eventually become incredibly fleshed out. Linda is such a supportive friend, it threw me off. I expected some kind of blow out that would occur between her and Stacy, however it surprisingly didn’t go that and instead, she did everything she could to cheer up her best friend when she was down, gave (relatively) solid advice when it came to sex and she actually had some character herself so I was interested in seeing where her character progressed as well.

Can I also just say how much I appreciated the relationship between Brad/Stacy? It is so refreshing to see a brother/sister duo where one isn’t torturing the other until they have to come together for a common goal… Don’t get me wrong, I love those kinds of relationships depicted on film, however as mentioned it was just refreshing to see how much these two genuinely cared for each other. There was one particular moment that made me a bit emotional, a reaction I certainly didn’t expect from a movie that has a character named Mr. Hand…

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the motto

To say this movie is quotable simply doesn’t do it justice. I tried to write down as many as I could, unfortunately I ended up just enjoying the movie and letting my brain deal with attempting to memorize as much as it could. Every word out of Damone’s mouth was gold, man. The writing is absolutely fantastic and Fast Timeis one of those movies that are incredibly atmospheric. It is not slap stick-y so there isn’t something bombastic happening on screen every second, it relies heavily on the dialogue progressing the story and it accomplishes that brilliantly with it witty and cleverness.

Here are a few examples of my favourites..

“You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin’ film, and you never even talked to her. You don’t even own a camera.”

“People on ‘ludes should not drive!”

“That kid’s been stoned since the third grade”

And my personal favourite:

“Wait, there are three girls here at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look.”

Another aspect I greatly appreciated of Fast Times were the conflicts. There were one or two overarching issues that the movie had which progresses along nicely and keeps the audience’s attention, yet there were sprinkles of secondary conflicts that characters faced and resolved rather quickly… Something I am so happy about. There is legit tension felt during certain scenes but they don’t linger or stray for too long that make you think “oh my god just tell him already!!”

Favourite Scene

The Final Exams scene. Oh my god, dude this was a brilliant scene. During my high school exams, these were always present:

  • The Mr. Hands of the school. If you were to look up from your paper to stretch they’d glare at you until your grimy greasy head turned back down to your test and your nose bled from that shit.
  • The Mr. Vargases. They didn’t know what the hell was going. They read the newspaper during the exams or pretended to mark papers. Just don’t talk during the test, please.
  • The Myriad of Ways to Cheat that honestly, if I spent the amount of time actually studying for the stupid thing rather than finding proper pens to write tips on my shoes, I’d still probably have failed. But at least I tried. I knew one class where their teacher was genuinely the world’s biggest dumb-dumb so during their exam they passed along a piece of paper with the answers to some of the multiple choice questions. spoiler alert high school isn’t the end of the world. If you want to cheat and have the means to (don’t be a dumb cheater and ruin it for everyone), fucking go for it, man.

If you’re looking for a totally chill 1980’s comedy with fantastic characters and a fucking BRILLIANT soundtrack, check out Fast Times.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High receives a Smiling Matt Damon.
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ps. There was one scene that came straight of the 1980’s that I would not have understood at all if it wasn’t for this reddit link that explained it. The scene where after Mr. Hand passes out the papers, the class collectively smells them in sheer joy…

“The pages were reproduced using a mimeograph machine. They smelled wonderful when they were fresh.”

the more you know

Nine Lives (2016) Movie Review

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“kill me”
[24]
Kevin Spacey acting in this movie is equivalent to a world-class surgeon playing in an Operation competition.

Tom Hardy in This Means War. Al Pacino in Jack and Donuts. Forest Whitaker in Battlefield Earth. Virtually everybody in the Star Wars prequels. Many top tier/world renowned actors have all starred in complete piles of shit in their illustrious careers, the brilliant Kevin Spacey has entered into this beloved realm with Nine Lives. The movie tells the never-before-seen story of a workaholic father not spending enough time with his family so, through some miracle of movie magic, lightning forces him to re- evaluate himself by placing him into the body of a cat…

Firstly the premise of this movie doesn’t make any sense. The way his comatose body can return to his family is by being nice to them when he’s a cat? If this is the logic this universe is telling me you’re betting your bottom dollar I’m taking this shit to heart. Cat Spacey can hear other cats so clearly this is not the first time Christopher Walken has pulled the wacky antic of ripping a family member away from their family before. All he had to do then was just lounge around and have his wife (Jennifer Garner) and daughter pet him all day. You know, like how a cat is. Not to mention, KEVIN SPACEY’S CHARACTER ISN’T EVEN THAT BAD OF A FATHER. Honestly. The worst thing this guy did was miss the beginning of a birthday party because he was busy spending company hours asking what present he should get his daughter… He also knew she loved cats so clearly he knows her likes/dislikes. Oh, he also answered his phone angrily because our antagonist Ian, played by the incredibly gorgeous Mark Consuelos, was threatening the company he only spent his entire life building up. What. A. Monster.

Ian was also busy twirling his mustache evily throughout the movie, I’m surprised his fingers didn’t fall off.

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ANTICS!

“Lazy” doesn’t really begin to describe the movie. Every trope you can possibly think of is in it. It got to the point where there were a few moments I genuinely laughed aloud because I thought of how ridiculous these lines were that Spacey was reading through. He was probably thinking “alright, I am getting paid handsomely for spewing out catchphrases wearing my pyjamas in a recording booth. I’m the motherfucking President of the Magnited States of America in House of Cards… This is going to pay for that yacht.” That is where my enjoyment came from. Just thinking of what was going through Kevin Spacey’s mind when he was given the scene where Christopher Walken was threatening to cut off Cat Him’s balls. Character motivations were here, there and everywhere. I don’t know why anyone was doing anything. The movie never thoroughly explained why Ian despised Spacey’s character so much and they kind of skim through the Company Going Public aspect to it. Kind of like they knew no one would be paying attention to that part so why not just throw some words together and get back to the cat shenanigans? That too, who was the audience for this? I quite enjoyed the corporate backstabbery that was executed poorly but I’m not sure how many six year olds are well versed in the dealings with the New York Stock Exchange. If I had to guess, that subplot was probably introduced for the adult members of the audience that probably couldn’t pay attention to it over the confusion of a movie like this coming out in 2016 and not 1995.

There were also SO many lapses in judgement/logic, it hurt. Just to be safe, if you want to go into this movie with no spoilers, I’ll issue a SPOILER ALERT: There is a scene where 2 security officers attempt to taze a motherfucking animal and claim it will “break the internet”… END SPOILER. Is this The Twilight Zone? A lost episode Rod Serling wanted to stay lost?

I don’t know, man. It is a fantastic watch if you want to hear one of the greatest actors alive today play a cat. And don’t give me this shit about it being a “kid’s movie… Don’t take it so seriously.” Fuck that, dude. Something people interpret to only be a “kid’s movie” isn’t an excuse for shitty, lazy writing and flat story telling (in my opinion). You can consider Shaun The Sheep a “kid movie” because of the claymation but that movie had incredible work go into it and made the audience care for creatures that didn’t even speak.

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If you’re looking for a movie to play on the background of the TV when you’re busy watching cat videos on your phone, Nine Lives is for you.

Nine Lives receives 1/5 Matt Damon heads.

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my featured image: the uproxx article on House of Cards Season 2 told in gif form