“We’re Not In This Life For Peace”: How An Episode Of ‘The Golden Girls’ Encouraged Me To Hold On When I Needed It Most

“You wanted me to be here for your death, how about letting me be here for your life?”

Sitcom classic The Golden Girls aired on NBC during the height of the sitcom boom from 1985-1992 and featured the hysterical musings of four stellar women: Dorothy (Bea Arthur), Blanche (Rue McClanahan), Rose (Betty White) and Sophia (Estelle Getty). These fictional characters felt like real, complex individuals with their own distinct personalities, providing frequent bouts of hilarity that kept fans entertained for 180 episodes.

While there are many examples of TV shows that would fall into the discussion of greatest sitcom properties, I would place The Golden Girls in the top-tier realm and personally refer to it as my No. 1 favorite sitcom of all time. Besides the obvious comedic aspects, there were occasional episodes that dealt with the more taboo subjects of the time (and some that are even considered taboo today). From adultery to homosexuality to deportation, The Golden Girls never shied away from focusing on these issues – One particular episode stands out to me the most from its fifth season.

The One Where Sophia’s Friend Wants Her There When She Commits Suicide

Season 5, Episode 7, titled “Not Another Monday” tackled the issue of suicide and what choice one has when a friend wants you there when they take their life. This episode focused on Sophia’s friend, Martha Lamont, a woman who believes that she can no longer stand the pain and loneliness of her physical world, choosing to end her life by her own hand rather than waiting for any more sicknesses to afflict her. In her own words, she doesn’t “want to see another Monday.”

As Sophia struggles with the ethical and moral obligations of her dear friend’s request, the B plot centered around Dorothy, Blanche and Rose caring for a newborn while her parents were away. The episode contains one of the funniest moments of the entire series: the three women attempt to calm the baby down by performing “Mr. Sandman” totally a capella. Watch it below:

(It’s no coincidence the writers decided to place the paralleling story lines of birth and death in this one episode, and I love them for it.)


Let me give you some background of my relationship with the show and delve into some personal territory of where I was in my life a few years back:

For A Number Of Years, I Was Lost

In 2010, my dear grandma passed away after a long battle with breast cancer. Prior to her final night, we would visit her on a daily basis, and I would always arrive home just in time to catch a syndicated episode of The Golden Girls. It comforted me watching these older women in the prime of their lives. I needed some sort of escape for that half an hour.

My grandma’s death hit me hard and continued to stay with me even as I entered university – The years spent in post-secondary was one of the most difficult times of my entire life. For the first 4 years of attempting to get my Bachelor’s (I finally graduated in my fifth year with a BA in English) I struggled with virtually every aspect of what was going on in my life at the time:
  • The Financial (“Am I able to afford this class?” “God, I don’t want to look at my financial statement right now… Maybe if I ignore it, it’ll go away?”)
  • The Course Load (“When were we assigned this?” “Is this syllabus for this class or..?”)
  • The Future (“Why am I even in school right now?” “Maybe I can take a year or three off and everyone will forget I was enrolled in the first place…”)

A myriad of personal problems just hovered over me and made me sympathize with Sisyphus (that Greek figure you’ve heard of whose best friend is a boulder for all eternity). I would have honestly done whatever it took to be able to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. Just to hear her voice would calm me down when I needed it the most.

I refused to tell anybody about my struggles; I thought it would be better to keep it in and occasionally have a nice cry in bed at 2am when my hourly you-aren’t-going-anywhere-in-life thoughts popped into my head. While I never specifically had suicidal thoughts, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t sporadic instances where I briefly thought, “I mean, what if I just don’t wake up tomorrow morning? Like I want to wake up, obviously, but… just what would it be like to not have to deal with this anymore?”

Why This TV Episode Means So Much To Me

When I was home alone one night, I suddenly felt the urge to watch an episode of The Golden Girls. There were probably exams or something going on that had me at the peak of my anxiety.

The episode was “Not Another Monday” and my jaw dropped when I heard Martha ask Sophia to be present during her suicide. She seemed happy and so sure of herself that she didn’t want to live to see another day. Watching Sophia (who reminded me way too much of my grandma, by the way) reminisce with Martha by pleading for her to “remember life” stung me. Sophia reminded her (and, by extension, me) that “we’re not in this life for peace” when Martha reasons that their departed friend Lydia looked so peaceful at her funeral.

Hard-as-nails and badass Sophia Petrillo had tears in her eyes as she attempted to convince Martha that this wasn’t her time. An exasperated Martha reveals the loneliness she feels on a constant basis, and — after Sophia’s pleas and vow to invite her over to the bustling Golden Girl abode — Martha states, “I don’t know what to do.”

The following line is what stuck with me then, and continues to stick with me now:

“That’s the point, if you’re not sure, you can’t change your mind tomorrow.”

While the entire above sequence makes me tear up, that quote convinced me to keep a laser focus on the finish line regardless of how far away that damn, stupid line seemed to be – “School isn’t forever; these struggles I have aren’t forever; those who care about me would want me to hold on with everything I have because I will come out of the putrid funk I happen to be in at this moment.”

I’m now a university graduate, continuing my writing and gradually dabbling in Toronto real estate (because I just love having clients irritated with me). This is a story and an experience I have courtesy of a TV show from the 1980s.

To conclude in the most cheesy way possible: thank you for being a friend!

golden girls dorothy gif
[Credit: NBC]

What TV shows have meant the most to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Out Of Sight (1998)

out of sight cinemagraph.gif
[Credit: Universal Pictures]

Buddy Bragg: Here ma’am. Let me help you with these. Beautiful young lady like you shouldn’t be carrying groceries. Let a man do that for you.
Parking Lot Woman: Now, I didn’t ask you for help, so don’t expect a tip.
Buddy: Oh, that’s okay ma’am. I’ll just take your car.


Starring: Jennifer Lopez as Karen Sisco, George Clooney as Jack Foley, Ving Rhames as Buddy Bragg. Don Cheadle as Maurice Miller and Albert Brooks as Richard Ripley, dir. Steven Soderbergh (Ocean’s Eleven).

out of sight bar jack karen
Cinematographer: Elliot Davis (Twilight, Birth Of A Nation, I Am Sam)
[source: orbo]

Matthew Perry Reveals The Rejected ‘Friends’ Storyline That Involves A Male Strip Club And Their Sandwiches

There were plenty of outlandish storylines that came out of the famed NBC series Friends throughout its ten-season history. Although the beloved characters endured some unbelievable experiences, there was one specific storyline star Matthew Perry deemed too peculiar for the comedy series.

| Former ‘Seinfeld’ Writer-Producers Reveal 5 Hilarious Storylines We Never Got To See |

While speaking to Andy Cohen on his Bravo talk show Watch What Happens Live!, Cohen asked him if there was a particular storyline that made him think “is this really happening?” Perry wasted no time in revealing an intriguing concept involving Chandler frequenting a male strip club. However, the reason for his regular visits were different from what you might expect:

“There was a storyline on Friends where Chandler went to a male strip joint because he really liked the sandwiches. And I called up and said, ‘let’s not do this one.'”

As all Friends fans will know, we’ve never seen this idea executed in the series. Although Chandler may not have been as big of a fan of food as his best friend Joey (Matt LeBlanc), nourishment was typically important for the IT procurement manager – particularly when a cheesecake is involved. It truly would have been hilarious to see Chandler maneuver his way around a male strip club to acquire that unbelievably delicious sandwich. A man’s gotta eat!

The Friends’ Fondness For Food

What’s interesting about this cancelled episode is that it might have joined the long list of food-centered Friends episodes, some of which gave us the show’s funniest moments. There have been a myriad of food-centric moments throughout the series that will make you crack up regardless how many times you watch them. If there is one life lesson we can take away from the ten year stint Friends had on the air, it’s that:

joey food friends gif.gif
‘Friends’ | [Credit: NBC]

Many of the funniest episodes include some type of hijinks that ensue when food is involved. As we’ll never get to see Chandler’s strip club sandwich obsession, here are a few of the best food moments from the series.

“The One Where Ross Got High”: Trifle Time

Rachel creates a trifle to end all trifles. Her unique version of the dessert is created when her cookbook featured missing pages, which ultimately led to a half-trifle, half-shepherd’s pie monstrosity.

Rachel’s excited explanation of her “traditional English” dessert is the cherry on top of this hilarious Friends moment:

“First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top.”

“The One With Ross’s Sandwich”: “… MY SANDWICH?!”

my sandwich gif.gif
[Credit: NBC]
Never come between a friend and their sandwich.

When Ross dejectedly enters the Central Perk and announces that someone ate his delectable ‘moist maker’ sandwich at work, I’m certain many audience members could relate to such a blatant expression of betrayal. The extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle is what gives the Moist Maker its name, and witnessing his reaction to his coworker who not only ate the sandwich but also threw it away is hilarious.

As time goes by, more and more curious minds attempt to create the moist maker every Thanksgiving. Buzzfeed and the brilliant YouTube cooking channel Binging With Babish are just a few examples of cookery shows that have stepped up to the challenge. However, thoughts on the actual tastiness of these sandwiches have been rather mixed.

“The One Where Joey Speaks French”: Joey Drinks A Gallon Of Milk In 10 Seconds

Phoebe wants to help Joey by removing all the lies featured in his acting résumé, which includes horseback riding, tap dancing and archery. From the long list of fibs, a specific claim pops up that involves drinking a gallon of milk in 10 seconds.

The brief end credits moment shows some fantastic physical comedy from Matt LeBlanc, as he manages to down the entire gallon. It is brilliantly disgusting to watch, and Phoebe’s jubilation at the end should emulate everyone’s reaction.


Clearly, the friends were not afraid to get down and dirty with their favorite foods. Seeing how much they adored a certain dessert or Thanksgiving special is something virtually everyone can relate to, which is most likely why these gags worked. Whether the episode featuring Chandler’s strip club specials would have gone down in Friends history as an awesome food moment or a throwaway idea is a prospect only the TV Gods know.

Would you have wanted to see “The One Where Chandler Loves Strip Club Sandwiches”? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

Matilda (1996)

matilda cinemagraph.gif

Harry Wormwood: A book? What do you want a book for?
Matilda: To read.
Harry: To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There’s nothing you can get from a book that you can’t get from a television faster.


| A Celebration Of ‘Matilda’ At 20 |

Starring: Mara Wilson as Matilda, Embeth Davidtz as Miss Honey, Pam Ferris as Miss Trunchbull, Danny DeVito as Harry Wormwood and Rhea Perlman as Zinnia Wormwood, dir. Danny DeVito.

CINEMAGRAPH SOURCE: orbo
‘MATILDA’ DISTRIBUTOR: TriStar Pictures
matilda and harry.jpg
Cinematographer: Stefan Czapsky (Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns Ed Wood)

Former ‘Seinfeld’ Writer-Producers Reveal 5 Hilarious Storylines We Never Got To See

The iconic NBC series, Seinfeld ran for nine seasons and gave us countless hysterical moments that remain timeless. From being the master of your domain to blaming the pool for any possible shrinkage, the writers (led by co-creator and creative genius, Larry David) managed to somehow create memorable moments in virtually every single episode. With the brilliance that floated around that writer’s room, there were bound to be a few ideas left on the cutting room floor, and we now finally have a chance to learn about some hilarious storylines we never got to see.

| What The Cast Of Daria Would Look Like 20 Years Later | 

Former Seinfeld writer-producers, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer, spoke with Entertainment Weekly about the various storylines they were unable to flesh out during the run of the series. They range from further developing a certain soup aficionado to an idea Mandel wishes they were able to execute.


1. Frank Costanza Tries Marijuana

seinfeld piece of me
‘Seinfeld’ [Credit: NBC]

“We went very far down the road with an idea that Frank was going to need medical marijuana for his cataracts… We thought the idea of Jerry Stiller on pot just seemed like comedy gold. We heard that ‘Cybill’ [the CBS series] writers had a similar story in the works, and it was enough to make us put the idea aside. We were really rigorous about not wanting to repeat things. I don’t think it was fully outlined, but that was a story that was ready to go. That would happen a lot.”

I have to agree with Mandel’s belief that Jerry Stiller on pot would be comedy gold. Frank Costanza’s energy throughout the series was contagious, so seeing how marijuana would have potentially affected him is an idea too good to pass up!

2. The [Literal] Soup Nazi

seinfeld no soup for you gif.gif
[Credit: NBC]

“We joked a whole bunch about an end scene that would take place in the jungles of Brazil, à la ‘The Boys From Brazil (1978)’, where the Soup Nazi [Larry Thomas] would return to the other Nazis — the actual former Nazi war criminals — with his soup recipes… It was sort of half-serious, half ‘Should we do this?,’ half ‘We’re never going to do it.’ But it was much discussed. Going down a river and seeing lots of young boys with blue eyes from experimentation with the soups — it was a full coming together of soup and Nazi. Probably just as well that we didn’t do that one.”

It’s easy to see why the Seinfeld writers wouldn’t want to continue with this particular development, especially with the Aryan undertones. However, it makes for an interesting Seinfeld tidbit! The Soup Nazi appeared in only two episodes of the entire series – the aptly titled “Soup Nazi” episode in Season 7 and “The Finale” – yet he is so entrenched in pop culture, you could’ve sworn he appeared more often.

3. Kramer’s Business Idea Chills You To The Bone

“Kramer [Michael Richards] was taking regular morgue-quality skeletons, refurbishing them, and turning them into museum-quality skeletons for teaching hospitals… He would get all the bones together and buff them up real nice. At the same time, Jerry was doing appliance-store ads for Leapin’ Larry’s, and Jerry was having trouble with his dishwasher, because Kramer kept using it. Leapin’ Larry says, ‘Bring it in, we’ll fix it.’ So Jerry brings it in, he doesn’t look inside, and Leapin’ Larry opens it up and there’s a tibia in there and he loses his [s–t]: ‘This is the worst practical joke ever to a guy who’s missing a leg!’

kramer thumbs up gif yes.gif
[Credit: NBC]

If there’s one character in the rich Seinfeld universe that would start a skeleton refurbishing business, it would be Cosmo Kramer. Schaffer continued by revealing what the fabulous Larry David thought about the idea. As it turns out, he wasn’t a big fan:

“Larry just said, ‘No. Kramer’s not refurbishing skeletons!’ And we’re like, ‘Come on! This is funny!’ It turns out the show was fine without it. Kramer trying to refurbish skeletons sat on our board forever, and [even after David left the show following season 7] we never used it. I guess Larry was right.”

4. Everyone Knows “The Prompter”

seinfeld elaine eyeroll gif.gif
[Credit: NBC]

“Alec [Berg, a Seinfeld writer-producer] and [Schaffer] pitched this idea a few times… There was another comic, and she was a prompter. Jerry [Seinfeld] would be at lunch with her, and she would say, ‘You know, I only had one bit that really killed.’ Then she would wait, and he’d have to go, ‘Which one?’ ‘The bowling thing. It only died one time, but that’s because of who was there.’ ‘[Sigh] Who?’ You’d wait her out and she’d wait you out. Everyone knows someone like that, who just makes you pull it out of them.”

This idea is easily my favorite out of them all. What set Seinfeld apart from so many other shows was its ability to feature characters that every single person on Earth has encountered at least once. The idea of highlighting a person (the “Prompter”) that constantly plays the pronoun game and won’t finish their thought until someone acknowledges them is a character so true to the world of Seinfeld.

| Check Me Out On Creators.co/Moviepilot! |

Schaffer reveals the character was actually supposed to appear in the Season 7 episode, “The Secret Code”, but it unfortunately never panned out:

“In ‘The Secret Code,’ Jerry was going to do an ad for an appliance store called Leapin’ Larry’s, and she was saying, ‘If you’re going to meet with Leapin’ Larry, there’s one thing you should really know about him.’ It was the fact that he had a prosthetic leg. And Jerry just ignored it. Then when Jerry wound up insulting him, he said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me???’ ‘Well, you didn’t take the prompt. I tried.’ It seems like the easiest device in the world: You ignore the prompter, and he or she actually has good information for you. That could work in any show, but we never used it.”

5. Picture It: Seinfeld In Mexico

elaine hat.jpg
[Credit: NBC]

Mandel affectionately recalls an idea he holds “near and dear” to his heart that the creative minds simply never got around to executing:

“The idea was that Jerry and the gang go on a vacation somewhere — say, Mexico — and they would check into their hotel rooms, and Jerry would end up with a hotel room right across from Kramer’s hotel room, so the hotel-room dynamic would have been the same as the apartments. The entire episode would have taken place in Mexico but everything would have been kind of the same—there would have been a Mexican diner that they sat in. I just thought the idea of taking the building blocks of Seinfeld — the apartments across the hall and the coffee shop — and transporting that to Mexico would be really fun. When Jerry decided to end the show, and I realized there weren’t going to be enough episodes, I was like, ‘Oh God, I wish there was one more season.’”

The simplicity of this idea is what makes it so spectacular. Truly the most revered Seinfeld episodes are the ones with the most basic premise that managed to highlight the hilarity of the writing and cast – such episodes as “The Chinese Restaurant,” “The Contest” or “The Parking Garage.”

(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
(Featured Image Credit: NBC)
Which of the possible ‘Seinfeld’ storylines do you wish you could’ve seen come to fruition? Let me know in the comments below!
seinfeld clap perfect loop gif.gif
[Credit: NBC]

‘Daria’ 20 Years Later: Co-Creator Reimagines What The Cast Would Look Like Today And They Are Looking Good

In today’s “feeling old” segment, we revisit one of our favorite animated series that featured hysterical, smarmy and intelligent characters that defined a generation. During the 1990s, MTV thrived with its programming, particularly its various animated shows that included Aeon Flux, Beavis And Butthead and a character that spun off from that intellectual series, Daria.

The worldly observations made by sarcastic and remarkably witty teenager Daria Morgendorffer aired on MTV for five seasons, and although it has been more than 20 years since its original airdate, according to co-creator of the series, Susie Lewis:

“A lot of the issues and feelings you have in high school are timeless.”

daria gif quote emotion.gif
‘Daria’ [Credit: Paramount Television]

Lewis and character designer Karen Disher debuted a set of drawings for Entertainment Weekly, imagining the characters from the iconic ’90s TV animation as they would be today. The drawings are spot-on, and although it is heartbreaking to realize Trent is no longer a part of Mystik Spiral, I think we will somehow find a way to move on.

| 7 TV Shows That Need A Comeback ASAP |

Daria

“The sardonic teen has left the suburbs of Lawndale for New York City’s Hell’s Kitchen (naturally), where she’s grown up to become the only female writer on a late-night talk show. She lives alone — except for her black cat named Godzilla, who is toilet-trained, thanks to Daria’s hard work and dedication — and while she’s tried the online dating game, she hasn’t found anyone special quite yet. Oh, and in case you were wondering, she’s gotten past her crush on Trent.”

I know I’m not the only one who is unsurprised at the revelation that Daria’s cat is toilet-trained. Though, learning she is officially over Trent hurts me just a little bit, I can’t lie. I wanted them to have talented, sardonic babies.

Jane Lane

“Daria’s closest friend and confidante never gave up on her ambitions: She’s a professional artist who’s sold a few pieces, though she still hasn’t “made it big.” She lives in a loft in SoHo with her husband who’s an archaeologist and rarely home, so luckily the besties get to spend tons of time together. They enjoy going to art shows and film events where you’re supposed to socialize, but — surprise! — they only talk to each other.”

An older Jane manages to rock a skunk-inspired haircut and she and Daria still keep in touch — this is all I needed to know. I am elated that she found a busy archaeologist to settle down with because that means more time for the two to hang out and judge their surroundings.

Quinn Morgendorffer

“The younger sister of Daria has consciously uncoupled from her college sweetheart and dropped her last name. (Rumor has it that once Quinn realized his athletic abilities weren’t going to cut it professionally, she was done.) Quinn has triplet sons — Timmy, Tommy and Teddy — and she still lives in Lawndale. In between caring for her boys and her hair extensions, she’s hard at work on her popular YouTube channel dedicated to dessert and skin care called “S’mores and Pores.”

Of course Quinn would be the one to pull out the “conscious uncoupling” card. Damn it, you consciously uncouple with whoever you want, Quinn! Her dessert and skin care channel has an incredibly witty name, so much so that I’m sure big sister Daria helped pick it out/she probably named it all by herself.

Trent Lane

“While his Mystik Spiral days are over, Trent has found, well, not success exactly, but… a functioning band in Trent Lane and the Mystikal Explosion. He lives with his four bandmates in Queens. Trent had some financial success with Mystik Spiral’s one-hit wonder, ‘Freakin’ Friends,’ but since then has been making ends meet as a bartender. He and Jane still spend a lot of time together, and Daria often joins in. (See? It’s not weird anymore, guys.)”

Although the Mystik Spiral days are no more, Trent’s salt and pepper ‘do is certainly working out for him. I’m sure he makes a bunch of tips during his bartending sessions and uses the “I had a one-hit wonder” when he is looking for some female companionship. In case you forgot about their classic one-hit wonder, you’re welcome:

Brittany And Kevin Thompson

“The head cheerleader and quarterback of Lawndale High are married and have three girls and two boys. Brittany is the weathergirl at the local news station and moonlights as part-time cheerleading coach at Lawndale High. Kevin is a stay-at-home dad who dabbles in children’s birthday-party entertainment. While he can’t quite squeeze into his belly-baring uniform anymore, you better believe Brittany’s cheerleading uniform fits her like a glove — and she wears it every Halloween.”

Twenty years later and Lawndale’s power couple is still going strong! No one would be surprised that Kevin doesn’t fit into his belly-baring uniform anymore; however, I have no idea how Brittany’s hair has managed to somehow grow fuller compared to her teenage years.

Jake And Helen Morgendorffer

“Daria and Quinn’s parents are living it up as retirees. Every time Daria speaks to them, they’re venturing out on yet another cruise, but whenever they’re back in Lawndale, they’re breaking a sweat in their weekly dance class.”

Speaking of a couple going strong, it’s nice to see the Morgandorffers’ fanny pack game is as strong as they are!

… And The Whole Gang!


Will We Ever See ‘Daria’ Return?

daria funny gif.gif
[Credit: Paramount Television]

Unfortunately, there is still no official word on whether we will see a return of Daria. Though she wouldn’t want to dwell on the past, I need to know whatever I possibly can about a potential return. When asked about a return to Lawndale, Lewis stated:

“It had been a long time since I watched the show, but this brought back such great memories and reminded me of how much fun it was to create ‘Daria.'”

She didn’t say yes but I don’t see a “no” anywhere, so that is what I’m sticking with because I’m a hopeless Daria romantic. For anyone looking to reasonably satisfy the Daria bug, CollegeHumor released a live-action trailer for the property a few years ago featuring Aubrey Plaza in the title role. Excuse me while I watch various YouTube clips of the series for the rest of the day.

 

Are you itching for a Daria return? Where do you think the characters are 20 years later? Let me know in the comments below!

(Source: Collider, EW)

“I’m Jose Canseco!” ‘Liar Liar’ Turns 20, Let’s Celebrate With 20 Memorable Quotes

March 21st marks twenty years since the Jim Carrey-centric comedy, Liar Liar hit theaters and received perpetual airings on television every weekend since then. The film follows Fletcher Reede (Carrey), a talented lawyer with an affinity for lying who is cursed when his son wishes that he cannot tell a lie for one whole day. As a lawyer, such a task is virtually impossible for Fletcher to accomplish since his entire livelihood depends on stretching the truth.

| Get Out Movie Review |

Liar Liar tested Carrey’s physical prowess to his absolute limits and it paid off immensely because he – quite literally – beats himself senseless in this role. The film grossed over $300 million worldwide and was a hit for audiences and critics alike. Its sharp humor and hysterical physical comedy continues to entertain audiences twenty years later.

In honor of its 20th anniversary, here are 20 quotes from Liar Liar that still manage to make us howl with laughter.


1. “Stop Breakin’ The Law, Asshole!”

When Fletcher’s receptionist, Greta (Anne Haney), tells him he has a client on the phone who “knocked over another ATM requesting legal advice, Fletcher’s frustration gets the best of him. He decides to shout some pretty sound advice at the phone.

For fans of TV-edits, the clean version of this line has “LOSER” edited in instead of “asshole.” Carrey’s enunciation of “asshole” is so pronounced that it really throws me off whenever another term is shoved in there.

2. “That’s Just Something Ugly People Say”

liar liar ugly people teacher real beauty quote.jpg
Liar Liar [Credit: Universal Pictures]

Fletcher reveals to his son, Max (Justin Cooper) what he believes the truth is behind the phrase “real beauty is on the inside.” It is a terrible thing to say to a young, impressionable person but damn it, I cannot help but laugh hysterically every time he says it.

3. “I Hold Myself In Contempt!”

liar liar myself in contempt gif.gif
[Credit: Universal Pictures]

Following Fletcher’s monumental win by utilizing nothing but the truth, he learns he made a huge mistake because his client (Jennifer Tilly) is a money-grubbing insane thing. He refuses to accept the Judge’s verdict and after a threat of being held in contempt of court, a phrase which here means “the offense of being disobedient to or disrespectful of a court of law and its officers” and usually requires a fee or stay in prison, Fletcher declares that he holds himself in contempt to the Judge’s dismay. This sequence is an emotional roller coaster since he was being offered a partnership a moment before and was willing to risk it all to express his displeasure at the verdict.

4. Fletcher Explains Why He Was Pulled Over

“Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!”

Fletcher states all the traffic violations he committed during this sequence and Carrey’s ability to spew all of the above as quickly and hysterically as he does is a testament to his talent. It has also been parodied numerous times including an episode of Family Guy where Peter (Seth MacFarlane) recreates the sequence for his father-in-law.

5. “I’ve Had Better”

This one is self explanatory. Note to sexually-active people: when someone asks how the intercourse was do not say, “I’ve had better.” Carrey’s facial expression when he realizes what he said, and disbelief at saying it, in the subsequent scene is wonderfully executed.

6. “I’m A Little Upset About A Bad Sexual Episode I Had Last Night”

Fletcher is still unaware of Max’s wish so he can’t understand why he keeps revealing what he truly thought about his “sexual episode” with a partner. It is delivered so well that it makes you do a double take and ask, “Did he really say that?”

7. “I’m Kicking My Ass, Do You Mind?!”

Here is a perfect example of Carrey’s ability to physically harm himself on screen and make it insanely enjoyable to watch. An unsuspecting man walks into the court bathroom and sees a crazed man beating himself up. Fletcher is nice enough to assure him that this is exactly what it looks like.

8. “Your Honor, I Would Like a Continuance!”

Fletcher’s growing frustration is apparent when he asks for a continuance for the case when it has already been delayed numerous times. He pleads to the Judge to accept another delay and is asked why he wants the case to go on any further than it already has which leads to the next iconic line…

9. “I… Can’t… Lie!”

10. “I Mean… Your Boobs Are Huge”

Fletcher rightfully gets punched in the face for his attempt at calming the woman he sexually harassed. This sequence is as funny as it is because his initial statement to the beautiful woman in the elevator when she says everyone has been nice to her is, “that’s ’cause you got big jugs.” “Your boobs are huge” is his hilarious reply when attempting to defuse the situation and it only gets more horrendous with every subsequent word.

11. “It Was Me!”

We know it was you, Fletcher. We always do.

12. “The Pen Is Blue”

liar liar pen is blue gif.gif
[Credit: Universal Pictures]

Now this sequence is arguably the most famous in the entire film. Fletcher wrestles with himself to prove that the pen he is holding in his hand is red but the strength of Max’s wish doesn’t allow him to state even that minuscule of a lie. This is Carrey at his absolute best and what he manages to accomplish with that scene is sheer brilliance.

13. “I’d Have Got Him Ten”

Greta has been a loyal staff member for years, however when Fletcher’s past lies caught up to him, she decided to take her plant and get out of there. There was the briefest moment of contemplation where she may have stayed following the story of a burglar suing her friend, unfortunately Fletcher’s declaration that he would’ve got the burglar $10,000 instead of the $6000 (rightfully) rubbed her the wrong way.

14. “I Don’t Even Like Her, But She’s A Partner And I Thought I Could Help My Career By Making Her Squeal”

Fletcher’s sexual encounter gets funnier as the film progresses. He promised to spend time with son – a promise he makes often, yet rarely keeps – and when he tells his ex, Audrey (Maura Tierney) that he was having sex the night of Max’s birthday, she sarcastically says she hopes it was with someone special. His response to her contains a rhyme Dr. Seuss himself would have loved. At least we know he doesn’t really like her and only had sex to further his career.

15. “A Madman, Your Honor! A Desperate Fool At The End Of His Pitiful Rope”

Fletcher technically isn’t lying about getting beaten up by a “madman” who truly is “at the end of his pitiful rope” since he is referring to himself. When the Judge asks what the assailant looked like, Fletcher humorously describes himself to a tee, down to the large teeth and all:

“About 6’2, 180 lbs, big teeth, kind of gangly.”

16. “I’m Jose Canseco!”

liar liar im jose canseco gif.gif
[Credit: Universal Pictures]

For those unfamiliar with who Jose Canseco is, he was a popular baseball player from the 1980s to 2001. He was notoriously known throughout his career for his various legal troubles and anger. In 1992 he was charged with aggravated battery for allegedly ramming his then-wife Esther’s BMW with his Porsche. In the film, Fletcher and Max bond over baseball and Fletcher lovingly refers to himself as “Jose Canseco.”

So one can assume seeing a man who has just been held in contempt of court shouting “I’m Jose Canseco!” can only mean bad news. Carrey’s final moment peering out the door is yet another example of the brilliant performance he gives in Liar Liar.

17. Fletcher’s Objection

Fletcher: “Your honor, I object!”

Judge: “And why is that, Mr. Reede?”

Fletcher: “Because it’s devastating to my case!”

This brief moment is my personal favorite of the entire film. Fletcher just seems so defeated when he states “your honor” and his truthful declaration of what he thinks of this cheating revelation between his client and her boyfriend is something I’m certain many people think when they are utterly fucked in a professional situation, however they are unable to say it.

18. Fletcher Introduces Max To A Prospective Career

liar liar face.jpg

Max Reede: “If I keep making this face… will it get stuck that way?”

Fletcher: “Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.”

Fletcher Reede gets meta in this exchange. Prior to Liar Liar, Carrey made his name with countless impressions and rocking wacky faces that he excelled in and managed to make his living with.

19. “Thank You Very Much?”

Jerry: “I love you!”

Audrey: “… Thank you”

Jerry: “That wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for”

Audrey: “… Thank you very much?”

Oh God, poor Jerry (Cary Elwes)… He really should have ended his adoration proclamation with “As You Wish.”

princess bride as you wish gif.gif
‘The Princess Bride’ [Credit: 20th Century Fox]

As Fletcher is frolicking around on the airstrip because this was the 1990s, Audrey, Max and her boyfriend are setting off to move to Boston. Jerry is actually a really supportive boyfriend and seems to care for Max so her thanking him when he prematurely says he loves her only furthers the uncomfortable factor of the entire scene. Her pounding down the drinks also isn’t helping anyone think straight in this situation.

20. “I Wish That For Only One Day, Dad Couldn’t Tell A Lie”

liar liar birthday wish gif.gif
‘Liar Liar’ [CreditL Universal Pictures]

Children’s birthday wishes in movies seem to be the only definitive way to get whatever you want regardless of how crazy it may seem. As Fletcher states in the film, it’s “one of those 24 hour curses” however it truly feels way longer because of all the antics that occur in Liar Liar. Max wasting his one birthday wish on his father to quit lying breaks your heart a bit because although he loves his son, Fletcher is just too darn busy to spend time with his family.

liar liar gif movie.gif
‘Liar Liar’ [Credit: Universal Pictures]

What are your favorite quotes from Liar Liar? List them all in the comments below