Fifty Shades Darker (2017): Of The Two Existing Turds, This One Is Certainly The Shiniest (Parody Review)

[Universal Pictures]

Fifty Shades Darker is the sequel to the ridiculously popular Fifty Shades franchise which originally stemmed from Twilight fan fiction. Anastasia Steele is mad at Christian Grey because he did what he asked her to do in the previous installment and this sequel focuses on her believing she is not the one for him despite the fact that he constantly… Tells her… That he loves her… Every single timeDarker stars Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Bella Heathcote and Kim Basinger and is directed by James Foley (Glengarry Glen Ross, Perfect Stranger).

My Thoughts On Everything

Wow. What a truly spectacularly enjoyable watch. Fifty Shades Darker is fraught with incredibly complex characters and elaborate motivations that do not have any plot or character inconsistencies at all. I never found myself questioning why certain characters were doing what they were doing because of how well-developed their respective traits were. The film kind of just told us why they were like that or they simply didn’t choose to explain it all which was incredibly enjoyable because we all only give a shit about seeing attractive people fuck, right?

“Stab me… Here” [Credit: Universal Pictures]

The film is also paced perfectly and it didn’t become a slog to watch at all, particularly during the sequences where they attempt to showcase Ana and Christian’s relationship without them having sex. A boat scene that could have felt like it was an hour long only felt about 45 minutes! They played the ZAYN & Taylor Swift song that I actually like which was nice. It was reminiscent of the Love Me Like You Do sequence in the first one where a pop song played while they were doing some wild activity like flying planes or steering a boat… An activity that Anastasia, for some reason, acts as if she is commanding a spaceship ready for take off. They are in the middle of a large body of water and her inability to just hold the steering wheel without Christian’s guidance was a little confusing for me considering she’s managed to work her way up to working for a publishing firm. You’d think being able to do something as simple as not crashing a boat in waters where there is no one around would be a prerequisite but hey… I’m not a publisher.

[Credit: Universal Studios]

It was such a wild idea to have them have all the sex. During an instance when they do, booming pop music ensues and lubricants, condoms or any form of contraception simply isn’t needed at all! (Yes, she could easily be on the Pill… He did raw dog her in the bum during one instance that made me go ‘waaaaait a minute!) Again, I will commend the film for having better sexual encounters than its predecessor. I only fell asleep maybe one or two times during Darker whereas with the first one, the lights were on but the homeowners were thinking of dinner.

Since the relationship between Ana and Christian was such a vital aspect to the film, there were some other subplots thrown in there to make sure their relationship overcomes all the odds including a crazily haggard lady that refers to herself as “nobody” when Ana asks who she is and a sexual harassing boss. We’re also introduced to the Mrs. Robinson of the Fifty Shadesverse played by the brilliant Kim Basinger. I enjoyed watching her whisper doubts into Ana’s ears throughout the film that actually managed to persuade Ana a couple times even though Christian CANNOT MAKE IT ANYMORE CLEAR THAT HE LOVES HER.

Everybody also loves Ana for some reason, including Christian’s family… Regardless of their family member making insane company acquisitions and just throwing thousands of dollars into his girlfriend’s bank account because HE’S RICH, BITCH! And don’t you forget it.

Favourite Scene (SPOILER ALERT)

Fifty Shades Darker had an abundance of sequences that I could have labeled as my “favourite.” If I had to narrow it down, I’d have to go with the frightening helicopter experience wherein news outlets lovingly neglect to feature Grey’s business partner in the headline because that chick isn’t important.

picard face palm gif.gif
‘Star Trek: TNG’ [Credit: CBS]

I also love how he returns with just a bump on the head despite the fact that he CRASHED HIS HELICOPTER INTO A FUCKING FOREST WITH BRANCHES, TREES, GLASS FROM THE HELICOPTER ETC. CLEARLY HAVING NO AFFECT ON HIM OR HIS BUSINESS PARTNER. Unexplained recoveries are definitely my bread and butter.

Look, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan do the best with what they’re given and you can tell they know just how silly every single scene is. Johnson absolutely rocks this performance, I am giving her all the kudos because Anastasia is fucking insufferable and the chemistry between her and Dornan is fun to watch. It is better in terms of plot progression and overall enjoyability (I’m making up words now) than the first if that sways your judgment in any way, however the soundtrack in the first is miles ahead of this one. The opening scene of Fifty Shades of Grey were shots of Seattle and the mysterious Grey set to a fucking Annie Lennox song! I loved that sequence even though everything following it was terrible.

fifty shades darker ending title gif.gif
[Credit: Universal Studios]

If you’re interested in watching this, you’ve seen it already. My suggestion would be – if you’ve never seen it – wait until Fifty Shades Freed releases in 2018 then have a fun trilogy watch with all your friends and all the alcohol you can healthily consume. If I drank, I would definitely pass out after the first one so the subsequent two would probably be an enjoyable experience!

For More Kinky Fuckery (sorry), Check Out The Following:

Fifty Shades Darker receives 1/5 Matt Damon heads.


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