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“kill me”
[24]
Kevin Spacey acting in this movie is equivalent to a world-class surgeon playing in an Operation competition.

Tom Hardy in This Means War. Al Pacino in Jack and Donuts. Forest Whitaker in Battlefield Earth. Virtually everybody in the Star Wars prequels. Many top tier/world renowned actors have all starred in complete piles of shit in their illustrious careers, the brilliant Kevin Spacey has entered into this beloved realm with Nine Lives. The movie tells the never-before-seen story of a workaholic father not spending enough time with his family so, through some miracle of movie magic, lightning forces him to re- evaluate himself by placing him into the body of a cat…

Firstly the premise of this movie doesn’t make any sense. The way his comatose body can return to his family is by being nice to them when he’s a cat? If this is the logic this universe is telling me you’re betting your bottom dollar I’m taking this shit to heart. Cat Spacey can hear other cats so clearly this is not the first time Christopher Walken has pulled the wacky antic of ripping a family member away from their family before. All he had to do then was just lounge around and have his wife (Jennifer Garner) and daughter pet him all day. You know, like how a cat is. Not to mention, KEVIN SPACEY’S CHARACTER ISN’T EVEN THAT BAD OF A FATHER. Honestly. The worst thing this guy did was miss the beginning of a birthday party because he was busy spending company hours asking what present he should get his daughter… He also knew she loved cats so clearly he knows her likes/dislikes. Oh, he also answered his phone angrily because our antagonist Ian, played by the incredibly gorgeous Mark Consuelos, was threatening the company he only spent his entire life building up. What. A. Monster.

Ian was also busy twirling his mustache evily throughout the movie, I’m surprised his fingers didn’t fall off.

markc
ANTICS!

“Lazy” doesn’t really begin to describe the movie. Every trope you can possibly think of is in it. It got to the point where there were a few moments I genuinely laughed aloud because I thought of how ridiculous these lines were that Spacey was reading through. He was probably thinking “alright, I am getting paid handsomely for spewing out catchphrases wearing my pyjamas in a recording booth. I’m the motherfucking President of the Magnited States of America in House of Cards… This is going to pay for that yacht.” That is where my enjoyment came from. Just thinking of what was going through Kevin Spacey’s mind when he was given the scene where Christopher Walken was threatening to cut off Cat Him’s balls. Character motivations were here, there and everywhere. I don’t know why anyone was doing anything. The movie never thoroughly explained why Ian despised Spacey’s character so much and they kind of skim through the Company Going Public aspect to it. Kind of like they knew no one would be paying attention to that part so why not just throw some words together and get back to the cat shenanigans? That too, who was the audience for this? I quite enjoyed the corporate backstabbery that was executed poorly but I’m not sure how many six year olds are well versed in the dealings with the New York Stock Exchange. If I had to guess, that subplot was probably introduced for the adult members of the audience that probably couldn’t pay attention to it over the confusion of a movie like this coming out in 2016 and not 1995.

There were also SO many lapses in judgement/logic, it hurt. Just to be safe, if you want to go into this movie with no spoilers, I’ll issue a SPOILER ALERT: There is a scene where 2 security officers attempt to taze a motherfucking animal and claim it will “break the internet”… END SPOILER. Is this The Twilight Zone? A lost episode Rod Serling wanted to stay lost?

I don’t know, man. It is a fantastic watch if you want to hear one of the greatest actors alive today play a cat. And don’t give me this shit about it being a “kid’s movie… Don’t take it so seriously.” Fuck that, dude. Something people interpret to only be a “kid’s movie” isn’t an excuse for shitty, lazy writing and flat story telling (in my opinion). You can consider Shaun The Sheep a “kid movie” because of the claymation but that movie had incredible work go into it and made the audience care for creatures that didn’t even speak.

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If you’re looking for a movie to play on the background of the TV when you’re busy watching cat videos on your phone, Nine Lives is for you.

Nine Lives receives 1/5 Matt Damon heads.

damon1

my featured image: the uproxx article on House of Cards Season 2 told in gif form
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